This essay starts on a personal note.
I heard the sad news a few days ago of
the passing of a person I have known and loved virtually all of my
life, “Auntie” Miriam Elias ע"ה.
She was truly a remarkable human being – one might have called her
a “Renaissance Woman” – as she excelled in so many different
areas. She was first and foremost an educator and teacher of
thousands of students over her long career. She was also an
extremely gifted and prolific artist, a published author of many
books, and a scholar who was the first student at the famed seminary
in Gateshead. In short, she was a role model and trailblazer for
many women, using her rare combination of wisdom, grace, and spunky
sense of fun to light up the lives of all who had the privilege of
knowing her. I could go on and write a whole hesped and full
description of how sorely she will be missed . . . but that is not
the point of this essay.
Rather, I was moved to write this
essay by the obituary
that was printed upon her death in matzav.com,
a Chareidi website. I will not recount the entire obituary here, but
it was fairly typical of many hespedim and obituaries that I have
read and heard in the Chareidi world over the years. Here is a
synopsis:
“It is with great sadness that we report the passing of Mrs.
Miriam Elias a”h . . .Mrs. Elias was the devoted wife of
Rav Joseph Elias zt”l, renowned mechanech, noted author, and . . .
one of this generation’s most distinguished mechanchim . . .
serving at the forefront of chinuch in
America for the last 70 years . . . [He] was principal at . . .Mrs.
Elias was a true eizer kenegdo, supporting Rav Elias
as he devoted his heart and mind all his life the chinuch
of Klal Yisroel‘s children, authoring many
bestselling works, most notably the classic ArtScroll Haggadah …
It was thanks to the wisdom and support of Mrs. Elias that Rav Elias
remained fully engaged … She was a true aishes chayil,
a picture of royalty and a role model for bnos Yisroel.
. .Mrs. Elias leaves behind a family of talmidei chachomim
and marbitzei Torah. . . Yehi zichrah baruch.
As if there was basically nothing worthy of mentioning about this great woman except that she was the devoted wife of a great man and mother of terrific children, which of course is wonderful.
And yet . . .
(To
be fair, an obituary that appeared in HaModia did cite more of her
own accomplishments, although (in my opinion), it was more about her
role as her husband's wife than about herself. It was written by S.
Cohen, about whom I know nothing except that she is a woman, or her
first name would have been cited.)
At
the funeral, various speakers (besides her children, who spoke
beautifully and movingly) extolled some of her other virtues, and
Baruch Hashem she was given a fitting tribute. But I write today
not because of my personal kvetch that she was slighted in the
published obituary. I write because that obituary is symptomatic of
many such statements that I have heard about women over the years.
For some reason, and almost without exception, when women are written
or talked about at all, it is almost always in their roles as wives,
mothers, and enablers, having played a role in the accomplishments
of their husbands (and in producing daughters who have done the
same.) It is rare – very rare – that a woman is celebrated for
her own accomplishments and for the impact that she made on the world
in her own right. The only such woman whom I can think of who was
thus properly appreciated in recent years was Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky zt”l, and even for her, the first facts that are usually
cited are that she was the daughter of Rav Elyahsiv זצ"ל and
yebodel l’Chaim, the wife of Rav Chaim Kanievsky שליט"א. Great
women and their accomplishments are mostly unknown.
I
know that some will have already raised their eyebrows at the
sentiments expressed thus far. Regular readers of my rantings perhaps
did not take me seriously when I wrote recently
that I consider myself a feminist; they might now assume that I have
gone off the deep end. But I am quite resolute in my opinion that
women ought to get a lot more equality in our communities, and that
we should not be content with extolling platitudes that claim
we honor women more than men, and that women are at a higher spiritual
place than men, and so on. If we want women, especially young
women, to feel truly valued in traditional roles in our community,
then we need to back up that talk with actions that show that we take
this seriously. This is true not only in equal pay for equal work,
and equal opportunities for promotion and advancement, but in truly
equal valuation of the wonderful accomplishments of those women who
have led lives of excellence, and are paragons of tzidkus,
achievement, and true worth.
There
is much discussion recently over the propriety of granting semicha
to women; about the legitimacy of Maharats and partnership
minyanim, and even about
toanot and
yoatzot Halacha.
Without discussing these, it is clear to me that they signal a deep
desire, among many women, to give expression to their talent,
ability, and longing to make their mark in the world and to live a
life of significant accomplishment.
Clearly the traditional model is, and remains, that the greatest goal of a Jewish woman ought to be the building of a Jewish home – a home in which she creates an atmosphere of warmth, love, and Torah values that will produce wonderful children who are Yir'ei Shamayim, together with a mutually supportive husband. That is and should be her greatest desire.
But then again, that should also be the greatest desire of a Jewish man.
And
yet, men are encouraged and celebrated for achieving additional great
goals, while too often, women are not. While it certainly true that
the woman is the “Akeret HaBayit” and that many women might be
perfectly content to have their homes and families be their exclusive
focus (and may they be blessed to be able to do so), many others want
to accomplish other great goals as well, and not be hidden
away from any public acclaim.
Perhaps if more young women would see that the traditional Jewish community gave them great opportunities for achievement and recognition in roles that are well within our Mesorah – of being not only great wives and mothers, but as educators, artists, writers, scholars, doctors, business professionals, therapists, scientists, attorneys, and so on – who create Kiddush Hashem by the way they conduct themselves with integrity, dignity, professionalism, and kindness, they would be less eager to seek non-traditional public Jewish roles that too often lead away from a respect for our Mesorah and great Tamidei Chachomim. It surely is time that the more right leaning segments of our community recognize the reality that more and more young women are engaged in pursuits that – while completely honoring the ways of their mothers and grandmothers – are different than what was available in previous generations, due to our rapidly changing world, and that they should be honored for doing so in the proper way.
On
Tisha B’Av we will all be called upon, once again, to consider why
is it that we cannot seem to shake off the plague of sinat
chinom that has dogged us
for thousands of years. I believe that part of it is undoubtedly
caused when people justifiably feel that they have not received the
honor that they are due, and begin to resent that others do not value
their efforts and accomplishments. It is, of course, not only women, but all too often it could be anyone that does not share my hashkafah (worldview) or particular values; we find it too easy to write such people off and give them the respect that they genuinely deserve. Perhaps this area is one piece
that we might consider in bringing greater harmony and less machloket
in our community.
Certainly. let us look forward to a time that our women will deservedly be celebrated for their achievements, as the verse concludes :
תְּנוּ לָהּ מִפְּרִי יָדֶיהָ וִיהַלְלוּהָ בַשְּׁעָרִים מַעֲשֶֹיהָ
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and her deeds will praise her in the gates
1 comment:
Thank you for appreciating my Auntie. I chanced upon your blog when do some family research and cannot agree more that there is so much more to say about Auntie Miriam.I would have loved to see your thoughts and memories. As far as your complaint I feel that there is a major difference between an article, which should go into detail, and an obituary.
Warmly, Raphael Klatzko
Post a Comment