Chaya Leah (Harriet) Oppenheimer: A painful loss

This week I had the tragic privilege of delivering a hesped eulogizing my dear departed mother, Chaya Leah (Harriet) Oppenheimer of blessed memory, הריני כפרת משכבה, in front of her home in Bayit Vegan. Some people have asked me if I could write down what I said; here it is, [with some further reflection over the last few days of Shiva]:

We have known this day was coming, and it was coming sooner rather than later, for some time now, as Mom became more and more ill. For the last few years, Mom has been in a slow but steady decline and suffered various health and hearing problems that made her life most difficult.

While thinking about my mother's life, especially her final great act of chessed, I recalled a famous verse. When the elderly Boaz realized that Rus wanted to marry him and perpetuate the memory of her late husband, Boaz said:

וַיֹּאמֶר בְּרוּכָה אַתְּ לַה' בִּתִּי הֵיטַבְתְּ חַסְדֵּךְ הָאַחֲרוֹן מִן הָרִאשׁוֹן לְבִלְתִּי לֶכֶת אַחֲרֵי הַבַּחוּרִים אִם דַּל וְאִם עָשִׁיר

He exclaimed, “Be blessed of Hashem, daughter! Your latest deed of kindness is greater than the first, in that you have not turned to younger men, whether poor or rich. (Ruth 3:10).

Mom was indeed "Blessed of Hashem." Moreover, the "latest (or final) deed of kindness" she gave to us was incredibly appreciated.  

As she lay in the hospital, the doctors repeatedly warned us that the end was near.  Almost two weeks ago, we gathered, and I said goodbye to her, knowing that I would probably not see her again.

But we had a Simcha coming up – the wedding of my daughter Diti.  We hoped against hope that Mom would allow the Simcha to take place unabated, as she enjoyed such a special relationship with Diti and was so impressed with Yitzi at their one meeting.  I don't even want to speculate how difficult it would have been for everyone if Mom had not held out till now. 

Tonight, the final night of Sheva Brachos, the Chosson and Kallah bentched, and then came straight to the funeral. She waited so that the simcha would be undisturbed, and now it is time for her long suffering to end. We are so extremely grateful to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and to Mom, for this final gift, and of course for the long life that enabled her to be with us for so long.

[During the Shiva, Rav Chaim Suissa (may he blessed for all the help he has given us) related a comment from Rav Mordechai Eliyahu זצ"ל. The Rav reflected on the famous list in the third chapter of Koheles, in which Shlomo Hamelech relates that there is a time and a season for all things. It is noteworthy that almost all of the items are introduced with the letter Lamed, as in:

עֵת לָלֶדֶת וְעֵת לָמוּת עֵת לָטַעַת וְעֵת לַעֲקוֹר נָטוּעַ...

But there is one pair that comes without a Lamed

עֵת סְפוֹד וְעֵת רְקוֹד

A time for wailing and a time for dancing

Rav Eliyahu said that this is because often - perhaps always - these are not separate times, but simultaneous times.  At the very same time that we are wailing and eulogizing in this world, they are dancing at the arrival of this precious Neshama in the next world. Furthermore, just as we experienced this week, the time of crying and the time of dancing sometimes come together.  Such is the circle of life; we must learn to live with conflicting emotions at the same time.]

So, I started gathering thoughts for this at least a week ago.

Last Shabbos was Parshas Noach, which brought to mind my father's ז"ל quip that it contains a verse tailored for our family, given that his name was Noach (Avraham) and her name was Chaya:

וַיִּזְכֹּר אֱלֹהִים אֶת נֹחַ וְאֵת כָּל הַחַיָּה וְאֶת כָּל הַבְּהֵמָה אֲשֶׁר אִתּוֹ בַּתֵּבָה...

And Hashem remembered Noach, and the Chaya (beasts) and all the animals (Bereishis 8:1)

And, of course, the "animals" was a reference to all of us kids.  

She good-naturedly put up with that humor for years. It was actually a typical comment for our family and how my parents brought us up – with Mom being at the very center of it – serious matters were often mixed with fun and wit and joy, and we learned to give both their due. It was an indication of the special connection between my parents.

We move on to the next week and Parshas Lech Lecha. At the beginning, Avraham was instructed to leave his parents' home. I left my parents' home quite a long time ago. Baruch Hashem, I have lived in many places, done many things – I have even become a grandparent many times over, and most of my sisters are way ahead of me. But at a certain level, one is always one's mother's little boy, and this was always my home.

It has been so for the almost fifty years that my parents lived here. For my dear sisters, brothers-in-law and all of our children and grandchildren – (over 120 of her descendants); we have always felt that we had another home at 12 Hida Street. And, of course, Mom was the family heart and center, and this home was where it all came together.

Now we have to face the fact – with Mom lying in front of us ready for her final journey – that this era has come to an end; our parents' home is no longer. We have to leave this home, for good. We are now orphans, who will have to Lech Lecha – go forward and make it on our own, without my parents' love and support in whatever the uncertain future holds in store for us.

When I was thinking of what to say about Mom, I discovered that although I have given many Hespedim – and in this case, I knew this nifteres better than all the others I was maspid – it was a hard task as I struggled with what to say. At a surface level, Mom appeared to be just a simple, nondescript, mother and housewife. She had no "career", was not an academic, nor an intellectual – although she was very bright and well-read – she had a very simple quality to her, which was part of what made her so endearing. She was plain-spoken and straightforward. Nevertheless, everyone who knew her knew that she was truly remarkable.

Mom came from a simple background. Abba always called her, among other things, "the Girl from Brooklyn." She attended public school, loved to sing and dance (especially the Jitterbug), adored the Marx Brothers, Tommy Dorsey, "Frankie" (Sinatra) and Broadway, was an intense fan of the Brooklyn Dodgers, had many friends and much fun in her social circles – a very American childhood. This might have led her – like most of her peers and many relatives – to a far less observant life.

But besides her special parents, a preeminent influence in her life was her Bubby – Chasha (Annie) Rosenthal, whom she adored and revered.

Now is not the time to talk about Bubby Rosenthal. She was a remarkable person who did enormous chessed, including bringing over many people desperate to leave Europe, and engaged in much self-sacrifice for Shemiras Shabbos and Yiddishkeit. Mom idolized her Bubby and always thought of her as an ideal person to emulate.

Over the last few decades, I was fascinated to watch how she developed herself into becoming the quintessential Bubby to so many people, within and outside the family. Many, many people, particularly those who came from a less observant family, saw in her a welcoming and loving Bubby who accepted, loved, and inspired them, and with whom they could feel at home, and joyous and happy to bask in their Yiddishkeit. A wonderful Bubby who represented the Torah and Mesorah and the glory of Jewish motherhood.

She accomplished that in a life in which she rose to meet great challenges.  

One great challenge happened when she was 24 years old. Spending a weekend in the Catskills on Labor Day '55, she met this striking man, whom, she soon found out, was divorced, with two teen-aged children, a foreigner with a German accent, (she had no idea what a "Yekke" was), and – to top it off – was 42 years old, eighteen years older than her. 

But she saw something deep and special in him and decided almost immediately that he was the one. Her parents, friends, and relatives thought she had lost her mind, but she informed them that she was marrying him over their objections. To come back to the verse in Ruth:

לְבִלְתִּי לֶכֶת אַחֲרֵי הַבַּחוּרִים אִם דַּל וְאִם עָשִׁיר

in that you have not turned to younger men

She left Brooklyn, moved to Washington Heights, and then Monsey, and began a far more Jewishly intensive life with her husband and children.

A decade later, Monsey presented her next great challenge.

Mom loved living in Monsey.  We had a spacious home on an acre of land, with a beautiful garden and a swimming pool.  She developed life-long friendships with local women – to this day, some of her closest friendships were those she made in Monsey.  She loved the suburban living, the fresh air, and the beautiful surroundings.  

Moreover, Mom took on an important role as president of the Yeshiva of Spring Valley's women's league.  While this was not so good for me as I would frequently meet her while in detention in the principal's office, Mom devoted countless hours and tremendous energy to running programs, fundraisers, bazaars, bingo games, PTA, and many other activities for the growing school.  She was well respected and much loved and would have been happy to spend the rest of her life there.

However, Eretz Yisrael called strongly to my father.  He longed to return to the Holy Land, which he had unwillingly left thirty years before in 1940, and implored my mother to consider Aliyah.  She loved the few months that she had spent in the Land during their honeymoon. But by then, leaving Monsey, her culture, her friends, and her family was a huge sacrifice for her.  Nevertheless, as a dutiful wife knowing that Abba desperately wanted this, they sold the business and the home and she set off for Yerushalayim.

Her first number of years in Israel were very difficult.  She did not (and never did) speak Hebrew. An alien culture, environment, and climate presented significant challenges.  She found it hard to adapt to living in a far smaller home with no back yard, unable to drive and cut off from the community activities that she missed.

But she took pride in Abba's development as a talmid chacham, with strong and deep relationships with Gedolim such as Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach זצ"ל and an incredibly close friendship with Rav Yehoshua Neuwirth זצ"ל.  She delighted in her children's  – and then grandchildren – deepening commitment to a profoundly intensive Torah lifestyle. When he got older, she would drive him (and several of his chaveirim) to their daily Daf Yomi shiur. She came to love and appreciate Bayit Vegan and the Torah community and that the family had spiritually moved far beyond even the best of times in Monsey, and would tell anyone that Aliyah was the best move that they could have made. 

Furthermore, Mom did so much to further Torah in Bayit Vegan, over and beyond being so supportive of her children's growth. She volunteered in several organizations, notably at Shaarei Zedek hospital.  Mom attended as many shiurim as possible and loved to read and discuss Torah.  One shiur that she attended in Bayit Vegan was given by Rav Yehoshua Freilich שליט"א; when that shiur needed a new home, it was moved to 12 Hida St for many years until Corona put in on hold. And her davening – she would spend hours davening daily, and as the precious Bubby, had all of her many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren in mind, and tried to mention them all when lighting Shabbos candles.

But it was not all earnestness and seriousness.  Mom was best known for her sunny disposition and good humor. During the shiva, person after person remarked on how she made them feel good and comfortable, how easy it was to talk to her, and how they loved being with her and in her presence.  We had tremendous fun with her as she responded to Abba's and our crazy antics and she knew how to give us just the right look and laugh with us while also knowing how to switch back to more serious matters.  She was able to overlook slights and focus on strengthening relationships and making everyone around her better for knowing her.

She was a wonderful wife and a tower of strength for Abba.  After his disastrous first marriage, she took him from a very low point, helped him rebuild his confidence and dignity, and was largely responsible for the amazing father that we all love and miss so much.

She was a wonderful mother and pillar of support for all of us. 

She gave us strength, helped us believe in our potential, and did her best to help us through challenging life moments.  She always appeared with style and elegance, and radiated dignity, and tried to pass that on to us (with limited success for me).  And she appreciated whatever we did for her, large and small, teaching us the values of service and gratitude.

In the last few years, Mom's illnesses and hearing challenges made her life very difficult.  She rarely complained and tried her best to cope with a very difficult existence that got progressively worse.  She abhorred self-pity; a favorite quote of hers was "Getting old is not for sissies". She did her best to hide her pain and greet her visitors as cheerfully as possible.

Nevertheless, she required a great deal of help.  Our profound thanks go to her wonderful friends – notably Jeanette Meyer, Faige Morgenstern, Malka Stern, David and Shira Kahn, amongst many others – for keeping her spirits up.  We have tremendous gratitude to her attendants Annabelle and Archie, who so selflessly and lovingly dedicated themselves to her care, going far above and beyond their call of duty.  Endless thanks go to our dear friends and neighbors Miriam and Efraim Goldschmidt,  who helped in innumerable ways for many years, especially the last few years.

Most of all, words do not begin to be adequate to express the tremendous thanks I have to my amazing sisters. Busy with their own hectic lives, they selflessly devoted themselves to taking care of Mom's needs, devoting endless hours daily to making her life as comfortable as possible. It is they who kept her in her home and out of an institution in her declining years and saw to it that for the 18 years since Abba's passing, Mom was never alone for Shabbos.

May her memory be a blessing for all of us, as we come to appreciate more and more what we no longer have, as we long to reunite someday when 

בִּלַּע הַמָּוֶת לָנֶצַח וּמָחָה ה' אלוקים דִּמְעָה מֵעַל כָּל פָּנִים

 וְחֶרְפַּת עַמּוֹ יָסִיר מֵעַל כָּל הָאָרֶץ כִּי ה' דִּבֵּר

He will destroy death forever. May Hashem will wipe the tears away From all faces and put an end to the reproach of His people over all the earth— For it is Hashem who has spoken. (Yeshaya 25:8)