Chaya Leah (Harriet) Oppenheimer: A painful loss

This week I had the tragic privilege of delivering a hesped eulogizing my dear departed mother, Chaya Leah (Harriet) Oppenheimer of blessed memory, הריני כפרת משכבה, in front of her home in Bayit Vegan. Some people have asked me if I could write down what I said; here it is, [with some further reflection over the last few days of Shiva]:

We have known this day was coming, and it was coming sooner rather than later, for some time now, as Mom became more and more ill. For the last few years, Mom has been in a slow but steady decline and suffered various health and hearing problems that made her life most difficult.

While thinking about my mother's life, especially her final great act of chessed, I recalled a famous verse. When the elderly Boaz realized that Rus wanted to marry him and perpetuate the memory of her late husband, Boaz said:

וַיֹּאמֶר בְּרוּכָה אַתְּ לַה' בִּתִּי הֵיטַבְתְּ חַסְדֵּךְ הָאַחֲרוֹן מִן הָרִאשׁוֹן לְבִלְתִּי לֶכֶת אַחֲרֵי הַבַּחוּרִים אִם דַּל וְאִם עָשִׁיר

He exclaimed, “Be blessed of Hashem, daughter! Your latest deed of kindness is greater than the first, in that you have not turned to younger men, whether poor or rich. (Ruth 3:10).

Mom was indeed "Blessed of Hashem." Moreover, the "latest (or final) deed of kindness" she gave to us was incredibly appreciated.  

As she lay in the hospital, the doctors repeatedly warned us that the end was near.  Almost two weeks ago, we gathered, and I said goodbye to her, knowing that I would probably not see her again.

But we had a Simcha coming up – the wedding of my daughter Diti.  We hoped against hope that Mom would allow the Simcha to take place unabated, as she enjoyed such a special relationship with Diti and was so impressed with Yitzi at their one meeting.  I don't even want to speculate how difficult it would have been for everyone if Mom had not held out till now. 

Tonight, the final night of Sheva Brachos, the Chosson and Kallah bentched, and then came straight to the funeral. She waited so that the simcha would be undisturbed, and now it is time for her long suffering to end. We are so extremely grateful to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and to Mom, for this final gift, and of course for the long life that enabled her to be with us for so long.

[During the Shiva, Rav Chaim Suissa (may he blessed for all the help he has given us) related a comment from Rav Mordechai Eliyahu זצ"ל. The Rav reflected on the famous list in the third chapter of Koheles, in which Shlomo Hamelech relates that there is a time and a season for all things. It is noteworthy that almost all of the items are introduced with the letter Lamed, as in:

עֵת לָלֶדֶת וְעֵת לָמוּת עֵת לָטַעַת וְעֵת לַעֲקוֹר נָטוּעַ...

But there is one pair that comes without a Lamed

עֵת סְפוֹד וְעֵת רְקוֹד

A time for wailing and a time for dancing

Rav Eliyahu said that this is because often - perhaps always - these are not separate times, but simultaneous times.  At the very same time that we are wailing and eulogizing in this world, they are dancing at the arrival of this precious Neshama in the next world. Furthermore, just as we experienced this week, the time of crying and the time of dancing sometimes come together.  Such is the circle of life; we must learn to live with conflicting emotions at the same time.]

So, I started gathering thoughts for this at least a week ago.

Last Shabbos was Parshas Noach, which brought to mind my father's ז"ל quip that it contains a verse tailored for our family, given that his name was Noach (Avraham) and her name was Chaya:

וַיִּזְכֹּר אֱלֹהִים אֶת נֹחַ וְאֵת כָּל הַחַיָּה וְאֶת כָּל הַבְּהֵמָה אֲשֶׁר אִתּוֹ בַּתֵּבָה...

And Hashem remembered Noach, and the Chaya (beasts) and all the animals (Bereishis 8:1)

And, of course, the "animals" was a reference to all of us kids.  

She good-naturedly put up with that humor for years. It was actually a typical comment for our family and how my parents brought us up – with Mom being at the very center of it – serious matters were often mixed with fun and wit and joy, and we learned to give both their due. It was an indication of the special connection between my parents.

We move on to the next week and Parshas Lech Lecha. At the beginning, Avraham was instructed to leave his parents' home. I left my parents' home quite a long time ago. Baruch Hashem, I have lived in many places, done many things – I have even become a grandparent many times over, and most of my sisters are way ahead of me. But at a certain level, one is always one's mother's little boy, and this was always my home.

It has been so for the almost fifty years that my parents lived here. For my dear sisters, brothers-in-law and all of our children and grandchildren – (over 120 of her descendants); we have always felt that we had another home at 12 Hida Street. And, of course, Mom was the family heart and center, and this home was where it all came together.

Now we have to face the fact – with Mom lying in front of us ready for her final journey – that this era has come to an end; our parents' home is no longer. We have to leave this home, for good. We are now orphans, who will have to Lech Lecha – go forward and make it on our own, without my parents' love and support in whatever the uncertain future holds in store for us.

When I was thinking of what to say about Mom, I discovered that although I have given many Hespedim – and in this case, I knew this nifteres better than all the others I was maspid – it was a hard task as I struggled with what to say. At a surface level, Mom appeared to be just a simple, nondescript, mother and housewife. She had no "career", was not an academic, nor an intellectual – although she was very bright and well-read – she had a very simple quality to her, which was part of what made her so endearing. She was plain-spoken and straightforward. Nevertheless, everyone who knew her knew that she was truly remarkable.

Mom came from a simple background. Abba always called her, among other things, "the Girl from Brooklyn." She attended public school, loved to sing and dance (especially the Jitterbug), adored the Marx Brothers, Tommy Dorsey, "Frankie" (Sinatra) and Broadway, was an intense fan of the Brooklyn Dodgers, had many friends and much fun in her social circles – a very American childhood. This might have led her – like most of her peers and many relatives – to a far less observant life.

But besides her special parents, a preeminent influence in her life was her Bubby – Chasha (Annie) Rosenthal, whom she adored and revered.

Now is not the time to talk about Bubby Rosenthal. She was a remarkable person who did enormous chessed, including bringing over many people desperate to leave Europe, and engaged in much self-sacrifice for Shemiras Shabbos and Yiddishkeit. Mom idolized her Bubby and always thought of her as an ideal person to emulate.

Over the last few decades, I was fascinated to watch how she developed herself into becoming the quintessential Bubby to so many people, within and outside the family. Many, many people, particularly those who came from a less observant family, saw in her a welcoming and loving Bubby who accepted, loved, and inspired them, and with whom they could feel at home, and joyous and happy to bask in their Yiddishkeit. A wonderful Bubby who represented the Torah and Mesorah and the glory of Jewish motherhood.

She accomplished that in a life in which she rose to meet great challenges.  

One great challenge happened when she was 24 years old. Spending a weekend in the Catskills on Labor Day '55, she met this striking man, whom, she soon found out, was divorced, with two teen-aged children, a foreigner with a German accent, (she had no idea what a "Yekke" was), and – to top it off – was 42 years old, eighteen years older than her. 

But she saw something deep and special in him and decided almost immediately that he was the one. Her parents, friends, and relatives thought she had lost her mind, but she informed them that she was marrying him over their objections. To come back to the verse in Ruth:

לְבִלְתִּי לֶכֶת אַחֲרֵי הַבַּחוּרִים אִם דַּל וְאִם עָשִׁיר

in that you have not turned to younger men

She left Brooklyn, moved to Washington Heights, and then Monsey, and began a far more Jewishly intensive life with her husband and children.

A decade later, Monsey presented her next great challenge.

Mom loved living in Monsey.  We had a spacious home on an acre of land, with a beautiful garden and a swimming pool.  She developed life-long friendships with local women – to this day, some of her closest friendships were those she made in Monsey.  She loved the suburban living, the fresh air, and the beautiful surroundings.  

Moreover, Mom took on an important role as president of the Yeshiva of Spring Valley's women's league.  While this was not so good for me as I would frequently meet her while in detention in the principal's office, Mom devoted countless hours and tremendous energy to running programs, fundraisers, bazaars, bingo games, PTA, and many other activities for the growing school.  She was well respected and much loved and would have been happy to spend the rest of her life there.

However, Eretz Yisrael called strongly to my father.  He longed to return to the Holy Land, which he had unwillingly left thirty years before in 1940, and implored my mother to consider Aliyah.  She loved the few months that she had spent in the Land during their honeymoon. But by then, leaving Monsey, her culture, her friends, and her family was a huge sacrifice for her.  Nevertheless, as a dutiful wife knowing that Abba desperately wanted this, they sold the business and the home and she set off for Yerushalayim.

Her first number of years in Israel were very difficult.  She did not (and never did) speak Hebrew. An alien culture, environment, and climate presented significant challenges.  She found it hard to adapt to living in a far smaller home with no back yard, unable to drive and cut off from the community activities that she missed.

But she took pride in Abba's development as a talmid chacham, with strong and deep relationships with Gedolim such as Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach זצ"ל and an incredibly close friendship with Rav Yehoshua Neuwirth זצ"ל.  She delighted in her children's  – and then grandchildren – deepening commitment to a profoundly intensive Torah lifestyle. When he got older, she would drive him (and several of his chaveirim) to their daily Daf Yomi shiur. She came to love and appreciate Bayit Vegan and the Torah community and that the family had spiritually moved far beyond even the best of times in Monsey, and would tell anyone that Aliyah was the best move that they could have made. 

Furthermore, Mom did so much to further Torah in Bayit Vegan, over and beyond being so supportive of her children's growth. She volunteered in several organizations, notably at Shaarei Zedek hospital.  Mom attended as many shiurim as possible and loved to read and discuss Torah.  One shiur that she attended in Bayit Vegan was given by Rav Yehoshua Freilich שליט"א; when that shiur needed a new home, it was moved to 12 Hida St for many years until Corona put in on hold. And her davening – she would spend hours davening daily, and as the precious Bubby, had all of her many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren in mind, and tried to mention them all when lighting Shabbos candles.

But it was not all earnestness and seriousness.  Mom was best known for her sunny disposition and good humor. During the shiva, person after person remarked on how she made them feel good and comfortable, how easy it was to talk to her, and how they loved being with her and in her presence.  We had tremendous fun with her as she responded to Abba's and our crazy antics and she knew how to give us just the right look and laugh with us while also knowing how to switch back to more serious matters.  She was able to overlook slights and focus on strengthening relationships and making everyone around her better for knowing her.

She was a wonderful wife and a tower of strength for Abba.  After his disastrous first marriage, she took him from a very low point, helped him rebuild his confidence and dignity, and was largely responsible for the amazing father that we all love and miss so much.

She was a wonderful mother and pillar of support for all of us. 

She gave us strength, helped us believe in our potential, and did her best to help us through challenging life moments.  She always appeared with style and elegance, and radiated dignity, and tried to pass that on to us (with limited success for me).  And she appreciated whatever we did for her, large and small, teaching us the values of service and gratitude.

In the last few years, Mom's illnesses and hearing challenges made her life very difficult.  She rarely complained and tried her best to cope with a very difficult existence that got progressively worse.  She abhorred self-pity; a favorite quote of hers was "Getting old is not for sissies". She did her best to hide her pain and greet her visitors as cheerfully as possible.

Nevertheless, she required a great deal of help.  Our profound thanks go to her wonderful friends – notably Jeanette Meyer, Faige Morgenstern, Malka Stern, David and Shira Kahn, amongst many others – for keeping her spirits up.  We have tremendous gratitude to her attendants Annabelle and Archie, who so selflessly and lovingly dedicated themselves to her care, going far above and beyond their call of duty.  Endless thanks go to our dear friends and neighbors Miriam and Efraim Goldschmidt,  who helped in innumerable ways for many years, especially the last few years.

Most of all, words do not begin to be adequate to express the tremendous thanks I have to my amazing sisters. Busy with their own hectic lives, they selflessly devoted themselves to taking care of Mom's needs, devoting endless hours daily to making her life as comfortable as possible. It is they who kept her in her home and out of an institution in her declining years and saw to it that for the 18 years since Abba's passing, Mom was never alone for Shabbos.

May her memory be a blessing for all of us, as we come to appreciate more and more what we no longer have, as we long to reunite someday when 

בִּלַּע הַמָּוֶת לָנֶצַח וּמָחָה ה' אלוקים דִּמְעָה מֵעַל כָּל פָּנִים

 וְחֶרְפַּת עַמּוֹ יָסִיר מֵעַל כָּל הָאָרֶץ כִּי ה' דִּבֵּר

He will destroy death forever. May Hashem will wipe the tears away From all faces and put an end to the reproach of His people over all the earth— For it is Hashem who has spoken. (Yeshaya 25:8)

Was I Doing Kiruv All Wrong?

As Rosh Hashana of this very strange year approaches, it is time for introspection and thinking of perhaps making some changes.  This unprecedented year, as has been endlessly commented upon, has been mostly a disaster.  We stand before Unetaneh Tokef once again and  – as never before in my lifetime  –  wonder who will live, who will die; will it be in a calamity, or a plague, or by trouble breathing … who will be at peace and who will be subject to riots.  How can we – how should we – pray differently; is that what is needed so that this coming year will be better?

I find myself repeatedly saying that if we learned nothing else from the Coronavirus, it is that we really truly do not know.  We don’t know anything.  We do not know why things happen, and indeed what will happen or when or why. 

All the great predictions made at the beginning of the pandemic lie broken before us.  Society around us is in tatters.  We really do not know anything about what will be.  The best that we can daven for was summed up by Eli HaKohen (Shmuel I 3:19):

ה' הוּא הַטּוֹב בְּעֵינָו יַעֲשֶׂה

He is G-d; He will do what is proper in His eyes.

However, besides prayer, we must, of course, focus on Teshuva.    Every person has their Cheshbon HaNefesh (personal accounting) to do, and I leave it for my readers to figure out what that is for themselves.  Nevertheless, I have been reflecting, and think that others might benefit from my ruminations, particularly for those who deal with Jewish outreach.

Lonni and I are going through a major change, once again.  Two and a half years ago we had the incredible privilege to come on Aliyah to the beautiful but completely secular community of Lavon in northern Israel. Those who are familiar with my writings know that we moved there in order to make a difference.  By living in peace and harmony with our non-observant brothers and sisters, avoiding judging people, and befriending people as they are, we had hoped to eventually bring more respect and appreciation for Jewish Mesorah and learning.  With the help and support of the wonderful Ayelet HaShachar organization, we endeavored to strengthen the local shul, to invite people for Shabbat meals, to learn in various formats, to bring programs before the various chagim, to distribute mishloach manos and to offer interesting entertainers; we even had the Chief Rabbi in our home to greet those who would come.  We had some success and had some nachas, while also encountering some strong animosity.  But two months ago, after being able to do almost nothing for half a year (only partially because of Corona), and in consultation with my Rebbe שליט"א, we decided to invest our energies elsewhere. 

I could write at length about why we came to that feeling, but it really came down to one basic fact: the majority of Israelis (and non-observant Jews everywhere) are simply not interested.  

They are not anti-religious (although they have way too many legitimate gripes about the behavior of too many religious Jews).  They are not mean-spirited.  They simply feel that they have fine values, morals, and ethics, and do not need outdated religious ideas to enlighten their lives, thank you very much.

Not only does outreach not touch them positively, but they look at us as “missionaries” who come to threaten their way of life and turn their children away from them.  Any hint of that their values and way of life lacks something is taken as offensive and hostile, no matter how it is sugar-coated.

We in the Orthodox world tend to look to them with a mix of compassion, incredulity, and even some pity.  We feel bad that they are missing out and do not know the warmth of Shabbos, the majesty of Torah learning, the beauty of an observant community, the closeness that one can feel to Hashem that we can feel during davening.  

We hear stories of Baalei Teshuvah who describe their relatively empty lives before finding the beauty of Torah, and take pride in Ashreinu Ma Tov Chelkeinu, (how fortunate we are).  We thus usually approach outreach with the notion that if we just found the right way to show them the beauty of Torah, we will be able to touch their hearts and neshomos and they will come back.

While, of course, that works for some, the sad truth is that for most nonobservant Jews - it is seen very differently.  Not only does outreach not touch them positively, but they tend to look at us as “missionaries”, who come to threaten their way of life and turn their children away from them.  Any hint that their values or way of life lacks something is taken as offensive and hostile, no matter how it is sugar-coated.

So with a heavy heart, we came to the conclusion that the likelihood that we would have any meaningful impact in the next ten years was minimal, at best. There was thus not much reason to justify staying in a community with no minyan for the long term. (See Pirkei Avos 6:9).* We have left Lavon and will be writing the next chapter of our lives in Migdal HaEmek. ("Why Migdal HaEmek ?" will await another essay).

But I've been thinking a lot: what we might have done differently to have a better result in Lavon?

A conversation with some of my new neighbors in Migdal HaEmek brought me to the point that Israelis would call “the Asimon fell”. 

The answer is summarized well by the Chafetz Chaim in his beautiful book Ahavas Chessed, in which he extols the importance of acts of kindness. (II, 5)

He reminds us of our patriarch Avraham, who excelled primarily in performing acts of kindness; that is why he was chosen to be the father of the chosen people (Bereishis 18:19), not due to his scholarship or adeptness at philosophical arguments.  He then says:

In our time, when the Middas Hadin (strict justice) is ascendant in the world, and there seems to be no way to be saved from troubles that constantly arise, we certainly should increase our effort to engage in Chessed. . . In Egypt, the way the Jews merited the Redemption was to come together and act kindly towards each other, and also to serve their Father in Heaven with Torah.  By mutual covenant they gathered to help each other and be kind to each other, and through that, to merit that Hashem acted kindly towards them.

This became the reason for the Redemption, as it says:

נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ נֵהַלְתָּ בְעָזְּךָ אֶל נְוֵה קָדְשֶׁךָ

In Your Chessed You led the people You redeemed; In Your strength, You guide them to Your holy abode. (Shmos 15:13)

Based on this source, on our experience, and the experience of my new friends in Migdal HaEmek, I came to realize that the right way to do outreach to most Jews is NOT to focus on Torah, or observance, or Shabbat, or coming to the shul – or anything "religious".  

The right way is to focus primarily – and with some, exclusively – on doing chessed. 

• To be as good a neighbor as possible. 
• To be friendly and helpful and to have no expectations that they will change their observance in any way.  To give and to love.  Period.
• To see to it that “the Name of G-d will become beloved through you by having an exemplary character that people come to admire (Yoma 86).  To model the Bein Adam L’Chaveiro values of the Torah to become a splendid mensch.  

That, and only that, is the path to win hearts and minds over to our way of life. Only then, when THEY express openness to knowing more about Torah, can we offer to show them that the Bain Adam L'Chaveiro is connected to our relationship with the Almighty, and there is so much more that they might also consider.

Some of the outreach sponsors that I have worked for have demanded monthly reports in which they wanted to know how many people had become to observe Shabbat and at what level, whether they still shave with a razor and whether they wear a kippah publicly, etc.  In my opinion, this is so wrong, on so many levels.  It totally misses the mark and is so counter-productive.  

Our focus should be on creating relationships and good feelings and let Hashem bring them along when they want to explore more.

If only we had focused more on finding opportunities to do Chessed, and less on trying to get people to come and learn when they had no interest.  If only we had run an after-school program to help kids with their homework rather than get them to come to a Chanukah program.  If only we had delivered meals to those who could use the help rather than fruitlessly trying to invite them to Shabbos meals that they found frightening and threatening.  That might have led to us feeling that we really made inroads with more than just a few individuals.

When discussing this with my daughter Ashira, she rightly said, “What do you mean?  The frum community has amazing chessed organizations, Gmachs, and so many people doing Chessed!”  Of course, she is right, the observant community does excel at Chessed.  But I daresay that  (with few notable exceptions such as Yad Sarah and Zaka) it is mostly inner-directed to helping those within the community, and only peripherally to the community at large.  

One might also argue that this goal of doing Chessed is at the core of what the Federation and UJA have been doing, with little to show for it in terms of having aroused greater appreciation for the Torah.  To which I respond that although the Chessed that these organizations have done is mostly excellent, to a large extent it has been divorced from an affinity for Torah and learning and ritual observance, and thus resulted in no such connection being made.  In those few cases where it was done, such as the wonderful UJA sponsored Bikur Holim annual conferences that I used to attend in New York, a huge Kiddush Hashem was made.

We all sense that we are living in momentous times and that the End may be near.  We need to pull together our brothers and sisters with עבותות אהבה, ropes of love (as in the famous formulation of the Chazon Ish).  Let us find our fellow Jews and love them.  Period.

Let us remember the glorious example of R Levi Yitzchak of Berdichev who – while being an astounding Torah scholar – worried not about how observant other Jews were, but if he could find ways to be kind to them, assured that their way to observance would follow.

Personally, I hope to continue to work with Ayelet HaSHachar here in town and in the neighboring moshavot and kibbutzim.  Doing Chessed.  Certainly being more than willing to respond if interest in Torah arises, but that will not be the primary focus of activity.

If we do so – sincerely with no expectation of anything in return – Hashem will eventually fill their hearts as well with love and appreciation for Him and His Torah.

An abbreviated version of this article appeared in the Jewish Press

* An interesting footnote is that although there was no minyan in Lavon for almost seven months prior to our leaving, there has been a minyan every single Shabbos since we left.  I am unclear why this is so - is it that they are finally taking responsibility for the minyan without me there to champion it, or that there were people who were annoyed by my presence that now felt comfortable returning?  Life is certainly funny sometimes.

Sinat Chinam: Baseless or Inexcusable?

Tisha B'Av is now behind us.  Despite all the hopes when Corona first hit that Mashiach was right around the corner, we mourned once again on Tisha B’Av.  We certainly have – once again – determined to do something about the primary cause of the destruction of the second Bais HaMikdash, i.e., שנאת חינם Sinat Chinam (SC), usually translated as “baseless hatred”.  And yet, I must conclude that the problem of SC is worse than ever.

What is SC?  Why would someone hate another baselessly?  Surely that is something only a psychopath would do. Ordinary people do not hate someone for no reason at all.  Three incidents that our Sages point to help us to understand.

The first occurred about 100 years before the Churban, in 63 BCE.  The evil Hasmonean king ינאי (Alexander Jannaeus)was gone. Righteous Queen Shlomzion Hamalka succeeded him and appointed her eldest son Hyrcanus II to succeed her.  This did not sit well with her younger son Aristobulus II, so he went to war to overthrow his brother. Making a long story short, at one point, Aristobulus had taken refuge in the Bais Hamikdash (Temple), while the forces of Hyrcanus laid siege outside.  Aristobulus pleaded with Hyrcanus to send in animals so that the Korban Tamid (daily offering) which they both saw as vital to Klal Yisrael, could continue.  For a while, they supplied – for an exorbitant price – the daily animals. One day, however, they became so consumed with hatred that they sent a pig up in the bucket that had been lowered with gold payment (on the seventeenth of Tamuz).  In the end, mutual hatred led both brothers to appeal to the Romans to take their side. Once the Romans took control, they never left, ultimately leading to the destruction.

The second incident – the well-known story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza – occurred a year or two before the Churban, around 68 CE.  The anonymous host was so infuriated by Bar Kamtza's presence that – despite being offered sponsorship of the entire expensive feast – he hated Bar Kamtza so much that he ejected and humiliated him instead.

The third incident occurred a year or two later, in the heat of the terrible fighting between the factions of Jews in besieged Jerusalem. The accursed Vespasian ימ "ש wisely decided to hold off attacking the city; he let the Jews kill each other for months and do the dirty work for him. Amid all that - in their hatred of the Perushim and their policy of appeasement of the Romans - the extremists burnt down storehouses that could have fed everyone for years.

Hatred prompting action even against self-interest;

 Total rejection of the legitimacy of the other

I believe that these awful stories have a common thread – of people so consumed with hatred of the other that they (a) strongly act against their self-interest, and (b) are unwilling to grant any possible credence to anything that their opponents say or do, even when it is clearly evident that their opponents may have some legitimate points.

Society around us is bristling with this sort of hatred. In Israel: for his opponents, Netanyahu can do nothing right, while his supporters see a great statesman and only evil on the other side.  In America, it is far worse.  The level of hatred and intolerance for President Trump is beyond insane.  Anything and everything that Trump does is evil, hateful, racist, and idiotic, no matter what.  Conversely, for Trump's supporters, the Left has lost its collective mind, supports lunatic policies, and is motivated only by hatred and power and reverse racism. For each side, nothing that the other does or suggests is worthy of any consideration.  The level of hatred and distrust between the sides is such that former friends do not speak, families have ripped apart, and people are afraid of speaking their mind lest they and their families and their businesses destroyed.

Is this baseless hatred?  Most people are eager to explain, in vivid detail, just why they hate the other side so much.  But is the hatred justified?  Let us see if the same old SC factors are at play.

The first is when they act against their self-interest.  Take what has happened over the past two months in Portland, a place I used to be proud to call home.  The endless riots caused enormous harm and violence and injury and benefitted no one.  But the rioters are so consumed by self-righteous hatred that they are willing to destroy the city and the institutions that might help them, so long as they can vent their hatred.  Nationwide, BLM vandals have caused enormous damage and have hurt the black community far more than the white, just to make their very debatable points.  At the same time, by totally demonizing the activists on the left and saying needlessly provocative and foolish things, President Trump and his supporters have, in many cases, stoked and inflamed instead of trying to defuse and find common ground. In both cases, the sides have acted against their self-interest – which would be to reduce the conflict and address the real problems. All decent people in America were horrified about what happened to George Floyd. What could and should have been a unifying moment, has become the horrible reality of today, due to haters who have twisted the facts to attack their political foes.

The second is the refusal to find any good in the positions of the other side.  To any neutral observer, it should be manifestly evident that President Trump, despite endless hostility and opposition from the Democrats, has managed to rack up many major achievements.  Conversely, despite the presence of many deranged ideas coming from the left, there are some good ideas that could be helpful as public policy.  But partisans on neither side will grant any legitimacy to their opponents, seeking only to attack and to demonize. 

Perhaps this is what SC means.  I think it would be helpful if – instead of translating Sinat Chinam as "Baseless Hatred” – it would be translated as "Inexcusable Hatred.” Hatred beyond the justifiable. Anger that (a) is so intense that it goes against one's self-interest, and/or (b) that refuses to find any redeeming quality in the subject of the hatred.

Is there ever room for hate? On the one hand, the Torah says (Vayikra 19:17) "Thou shall not hate thy brother in thy heart," and hatred is surely to be avoided. On the other hand, "There is a time to hate" (Kohelet 3:8).  Honestly, it is only very pious people that hate no one.  Most people harbor some degree of what they consider to be justified resentment.  But when it devolves to SC, or “Inexcusable Hatred” that goes over and beyond reason, it becomes uniquely destructive.

Let us not kid ourselves.  The hatred today is not limited to the world of politics and the larger society.  Within our Jewish community, righteous indignation leads some groups to resent, dislike, and perhaps even, heaven forfend, to hate.  When the hatred is such that they act to destroy each other even against their self-interest while refusing to see any redeeming quality in the other, we have truly unjustifiable hatred. So long as that goes on, we stand no chance at meriting the Bet HaMikdash's rebuilding.

In these weeks of Nechama, let us consider that the word does not only mean "consolation." In addition, it means "reconsideration", as we find it used to describe Hashem “re-thinking” a former plan, as it were (e.g. Bereishis 6:6, Shmos 32:14).

וַיִּנָּחֶם ה' כִּי־עָשָׂה אֶת־הָאָדָם בָּאָרֶץ וַיִּתְעַצֵּב אֶל־לִבּוֹ

And Hashem reconsidered having made man on earth, and His heart was saddened. 

וַיִּנָּחֶם ה' עַל־הָרָעָה אֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר לַעֲשׂוֹת לְעַמּוֹ

And Hashem renounced the punishment He had planned to bring upon His people.

We need to reexamine how we think about and act towards those with whom we disagree.  To reflect more, hit "send" less, respond less to provocations, and spend more time trying to judge others favorably and giving them the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps that will allow us to enter from the seven weeks of Nechama effectively to the weeks of Teshuvah soon coming up.  If we do, surely Hashem will have a much easier time bringing Nechama, in the usual sense of the word.

Abridged version published in Jewish Press and the Queens Jewish Link Aug 7, 2020